When I was given the news that my mother only had a short time left to live, I began hoarding anything and everything that reminded me of her. Greeting cards, papers, mementos. Anything really. I collected these things from old boxes, drawers and other storage areas in hopes to keep ahold of as much of my mother I as could. Although I hadn’t even lost her at the time, I knew in my bones that it was coming.

For a few days after my mother’s passing, I was overwhelmed with the “stuff” she owned. You really don’t think about it when someone is alive, but once they’re not physically here anymore, everywhere you look, you see them. From items like jewelry and keepsakes to simple things like contact lens cases and shoes. The person is literally everywhere, and it’s a very final feeling.

I knew I couldn’t keep everything. It would be impossible to. And even though we’ve donated her clothing and have begun to organize at my Dad’s house, Mom is still everywhere. Something as tiny as tube of lipstick sitting in the top drawer in the bathroom is enough to put tears in my eyes. I mean, when someone passes, every remnant of their being is still apparent. It’s a very weird feeling to see her handwriting on scrap papers in her purse, her hair wrapped up around a hairbrush, or frozen foods in the freezer that you know she bought, and know that the person doesn’t exist anymore. I know, I know, she exists in my heart and in memories. I get that. But I’m a science teacher. Of course I find comfort in the memories and the thought that one day we may be reunited again in some realm or aspect. But at the end of the day, you know my mind goes directly to the science side of things. It’s a difficult reality to grasp. I will continue to live my life here on Earth never interacting with my mother on a physical level again. Yes, I see her in my dreams, in my memories and maybe in my future children one day. But it’s not the same. And until someone actually experiences the loss of a parent, especially as young as I did, they will never truly understand how I feel.

As hard as it is to write these emotions down, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to read them. It does help me though. Blogging has become a way for me to express the words I have difficulties expressing verbally. It’s just who I am.

I don’t want to say I dreaded the first Mother’s day without my Mom. I knew that I wanted to make it special. I did not want to stay at home festering in sadness. I originally had plans made with friends and even some family members, but in the end Mr. KKM and I decided to forgo all plans and just enjoy a quiet day together. We ended up going back to bed and sleeping in until almost 10am, then hitting up Lupton’s for one of our favorites: brunch. He then took me shopping, then to a local favorite farmer’s market before we came home at vegged out on the couch for a while watching the Rays game.

While he finished the game, I whipped up a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies from scratch, then invited my brother and dad over for a barbecue. After the burgers we headed out back to the park behind the house for a little early evening Geocaching with the pups, and a little romp by the Hillsborough River. It may have seemed like a laid back typical day, but it was a very special one indeed.

While shopping I stumbled across something I didn’t, at the time, know I was looking for: A memory box. 

 

 

I know as time goes on I’ll find more items to put into the box. For now, this is a great start. Before I closed it I placed a pair of my mom’s pajamas inside as well as a pair of the Crocs she loved to wear at the beach and going around town.

I don’t know how often I’ll open up the memory box to look through it, but I’m glad to know it’s there for when I need it. I know that it’s just another tool in my “grieving my mother” toolkit to help me learn to deal. If there’s one thing I know about myself, is that I’m notorious for my “figure it out” attitude. And you know what? Although the loss of my mom is a huge loss, I’ll figure it out as I go along.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. And if you’re missing your mother like I am, I hope you were able to find the silver lining today like I did.

-Steph

There are so many different kinds of Moms. Today, while you celebrate and thank your own Mom, look for ways to bless other Moms around you, too:
Moms who sacrificially gave their baby to adoptive parents
Surrogate Moms
Those whose Moms are no longer with them
Those whose Moms are suffering with Alzheimer’s/dementia
Moms who’ve tragically lost their children
Moms whose children are serving in our military
Moms whose husbands are serving in our military
Single Moms
Moms whose children are suffering with illness
New Moms
Military Moms
Moms waiting to give birth
Women who have filled the role of “Mom” for you

Today is the first Mother’s Day without my mom. Yesterday was an amazing day filled with her spirit and her memory.  Today will be the same.
Miss you mom.

As a teacher and a blogger, I’m usually not at a loss for words, but today I’m feeling like I just cannot sum up the emotion, excitement and pride that I’m feeling after participating in the first annual Jogging for Judy race through Miles for Moffitt.

Today wasn’t about grieving the loss of my mom. Today was about celebrating her life, as if she had been alive, she would have been right there, dressed in orange, chugging along down the course with us. That’s the thing about my mom. If excitement was to be had, she’d either be the one making it, or joining in. My mom taught me how to live, and how to have fun. It’s the one thing I’ll always hold on to.

And Miles for Moffitt? Sign us up for 2013. The spirit of Team Judy is alive and strong and you will see us make an appearance in many more races benefiting those fighting cancer. My mom wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am overwhelmed at the amount of family, friends and co-workers who woke up VERY early on an absolutely gorgeous cool May morning to Jog for Judy. I knew we had about 40 runners in total who were signed up to do the race, but when you actually see us all together in one sitting, it’s a sight that brings a smile to my face. All of these people came out because I organized a team. All of these people came out because they loved my mom. All of these people are rockstars in my book.

Steph

Nothing gets me more excited than a good ol’ night before a race.
The anticipation is sometimes so strong, it keeps me from sleeping! (good thing we took that 3 hour nap after work!).

I signed up our team over a month ago. Actually, my mom was still alive at the time and got the opportunity to hear all the details and see our shirts before she became incoherent. I’m really glad that I got to tell her about this. I know she will be proud of every single one of us tomorrow, and I hope that every member of Team Judy will be able to feel her presence with them on the course. 

Mr. KKM and I grabbed a quick dinner (have you tried Wendy’s new flatbreads? Yum!) then headed over to my dad’s house. We’re spending the night there so we’ll have one less thing to have to worry about in the morning. It’s suggested that racers arrive no later than 7am, as they begin to close the roads around that time. We are planning to get up around 5:30, hopefully giving us enough time to force down some breakfast, figure out a carpooling plan, then make the trek over to USF.

I made the mistake of not using music for my last race, the Gasparilla 15k. I wasn’t going to do that this time around. After tracking down an Iphone charger, I took a nice long look at the huge library of awesome music I have on that ol’ device and built a playlist that I think will be just what I need to go for a PR.

Yes. I said it. PR.

I haven’t actually committed to trying to PR in quite some time. I really couldn’t set a PR for Gasparilla as I had never done a 15k before, but I’m planning to try and complete tomorrow’s 5k in under 45 minutes. My fastest 5k time has been 47:12 at Purplestride 2010. If I can maintain a 15 minute mile at the most, I will definitely be able to come in at 45 or under.

To help me with this goal, I plan to keep up a good pace with some kickass music. Here is tomorrow’s playlist:
Alligator Pie- DMB
American Girl- Tom Petty
Alive with the Glory of Love- Say Anything
Corn Bread- DMB
The Distance- Cake
Dog Days are Over- Florence and the Machine
Empire State of Mind- JayZ and Alicia Keys
Forever- Chris Brown
No Homo- Lonely Island
Perfect Situation- Weezer
Pumped up Kicks- Foster the People
Rumour Has It- Glee
Shiver- Coldplay (my personal favorite!)
Tighten Up- The Black Keys
With or Without You- U2
Fix You- Coldplay
Miracle Drug- U2
My Hero- Foo Fighters (my finish strong song)

For now, it’s bedtime. There will be no PRing if I’m a sleepy girl! See you in the morning!
GO TEAM JUDY!

Steph

I can’t believe that it’s already been a month since I originally signed up Team Judy for the Miles for Moffitt race. We’re only four days away from toeing the line, and I am more than excited to get all of my family and friends together for what hopes to be an inspiring experience for all of us in my mom’s memory. The T-shirts were delivered on Friday, right before we left for our camping trip, so I decided to dig through them tonight, organizing the orders to get them ready for tomorrow’s delivery.

 (There’s even an itty bitty one for Baby Sean)

 (Team Judy packet pickup. That’s a lot of bibs!)

My first mother’s day without my mom will be tough, no doubt. But having this race in her honor will help (so will the open water swim and tri training I plan to attend Sunday morning!)

Before you ask… YES, Mr. KKM and I have been keeping up with our 45 day challenge workouts, in fact, today we completed day 13). Really, to be completely honest, the workouts seem to be a good mix of cardio, strength training and cross training, in a relatively doable amount of time (and our planks are getting longer!). It’s been a fun bonding experience for us, and we’re starting to feel (and notice) some changes. 32 more days to go!

Sunday evening I also hosted my first Meetup with the First Time 5k’ers! We met at Bayshore park for a 1 mile walk to get to know each other, set some goals and figure out fitness levels. Of course, Mr. KKM was there for morale support (and a mini-workout), but I also forced convinced my brother to meet us out there, as he has become quite the expert on muscle toning, nutrition and weight loss- perfect for anyone who has other goals in mind, aside from a 5k! About 15 members showed up and everyone seemed very positive, excited, and ready to sign up for their first race! (I think) 😉 Our next get together is scheduled for Wednesday at Al Lopez Park. It’s actually broken into 2- at 6:30pm, we’ll be meeting for Day 1 of Couch to 5k, then at 7:15pm, we’ll be meeting for a 1-2 mile beginners walk. Interested in joining us? Check out the Meetup Page for more information!

Have you ever organized a team for a race? How did that go?

Dear friends and family,Team Judy will be hitting the pavement at the University of South Florida campus for the first annual

It’s going to be a great event, with proceeds going to a wonderful cause. Let’s show Judy that we’re always rooting for her and we’re on her team!

Here’s how to sign up.
First click on this link: http://www.milesformoffitt.com/
Then, click on the green button that says “Register Now”
You will be redirected to the Active.com website. There you will see another “Register Now” button. Click it.
You may be prompted to make an Active.com account. If so, go ahead. It’s easy and there is NO spam. Then, click on the race of your choice (see above for options). You’ll also be prompted to choose your team- pull down the drop down menu and choose Team Judy!
All races are $25 and include a tee shirt, race goodies, breakfast snacks and lunch snacks after the race. Remember, the proceeds go toward Moffit!

If you’re having trouble registering for the race or joining our team, please call, text or email me and I’ll be glad to help. 813-317-4496
And to keep track of our team’s progress, or if you know someone who cannot participate, but would like to make a donation, please refer them to our team page here: http://www.active.com/donate/MilesforMoffitt2012/teamjudy

See you on May 12, bright and early!
Love,
Stephanie

I didn’t want to write this post today, but I also don’t want to forget the emotions and memories I’ve made since my mom’s passing, so if I don’t get it down on “paper” now, the vividness will fade.

My mom’s service was just what she would have wanted. Yes there were tears, yes there was sadness, but we did celebrate my mother’s life through funny, but touching speeches, kind words and photographs. I know that everyone who knew my mother is affected by her death, but no one is grieving like my brother and I. It’s hard for people to understand who have never lost a mother. And although their kind words are deeply appreciated, nothing can replace the heartache that I’m feeling deep inside my bones.

I know that time will help me cope, but life will never be the same. There are many good things happening in my life that I’d love to have been able to share with my mother: the love I share with Brian, future races and triathlons, work accomplishments, and other great things that I know will make up my future. But now I must come up with a plan on how I’m going to do all of those things without her, and make sure that our new life without mom is just as fulfilling as it was when she was here.

After the services, we came back to my parents house and Ate, Drank, and were definitely Merry.
We filled our bellies with food.
I cracked open a bottle of champagne and some wine.
We took out the fire pit and lit a campfire in her honor.
We sat around it and told stories of Judy’s life, laughing, drinking and sharing, until the wee hours of the night.

At one moment, for around 10 minutes or so, the wind picked up, and began to swirl the fire’s flames in all directions, lapping at each one of us as it danced. At that moment, we knew my mom was there. Making sure her flame touched every single one of us. (Thanks Meghan).

I know this is a given, but I will never, ever forget my mother. Last night as I sat in the back of the chapel, as guests began to taper, leaving only close family members behind, I noticed, for the first time, all of the mother and daughter relationships that were in the room. It suffocates me to know that I’ll never have another mother.

Although I’m grieving, I know that I still have responsibilities here on this planet. I’m still a daughter. I’m still a sister. I’m still a granddaughter, a girlfriend, niece, cousin, and a friend. I’m still a teacher, and even though it’s of the furry kind, I’m a mother too. Just because one of my roles has ended, that doesn’t mean there aren’t others out there who will need me, and I know that we’ll all get through this together.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words, notes, cards, texts, emails, gifts and thoughts.

I miss you mom.
Stephanie

PS- For those of you who were unable to attend the services, this is the note that my Uncle Marty read that I wrote about my mother:

    When I think about my mother, I will not think about watching her take her very last breath. I won’t think about the cancer, I won’t think about the pain. Because those things were a microscopic part of her huge, full and happy life.
    I will think about Halloween parties she threw, when she had the idea to make a hayride out of Abuelo’s trailer.
    I will think about when she sang Last Dance at the fair, and it was blared over the speakers for all visitors to hear, and how Dad, Jason and I slowly crept away from the recording studio.
    I will think about the time we went up to Blairsville and she almost fell down a waterfall because “she wanted to see over the edge”.
    I will think about trips to the beach seeing her standing in her swimsuit cooking breakfast.
    I will think about trips to Disney Halloween and how she insisted that the Disney employees wouldn’t notice us going through the same trick or treat lines 3, 4, or 17 times.
    I will think about camping trips at Tillis Hills where our days and nights were filled with laughs, 45 minute drives to the local Wal-Mart, and gourmet meals. No matter how far removed from civilization we were, mom could always find a Wal-Mart (she was the original GPS).
    I will think about Christmas Eve parties at Abuelo’s and Christmas mornings at our house, where even at 32 years old, I was still pulling gifts out of a 6 foot tall stocking.
    I will think about crabbing and fishing trips where she always seemed to be the one to catch something first.
    I will think about all the birthday pool parties she threw me, and homemade birthday cakes she made.
    I will think about her being pregnant and giving me the only brother I’ll ever have.
    I will think about her love of board games, and how we would stay up until the wee hours of the night playing her favorite game, Scrabble.
    I will think about trips up to the mountains where she insisted on having a bbq on top of the highest mountain in Georgia with temperatures in the teens. She learned that day that mustard has a freezing point.
    I wish my brain was a computer that I just file each and every memory away in for safe keeping. I know some will stay vivid, while others will fade away with time. I never fully understood the pain she felt when her mother passed away, but now I do.
    I can’t wait for the day to come where I’ll find peace in a photo, find comfort in her belongings and be able to laugh at an empty ketchup bottle on a restaurant table.

I lost my mom today. She fought a long and hard battle against breast cancer. It’s only been a few hours, but I already miss her terribly. Please visit me in my dreams, Mom.

Happy Easter! What was on your Easter menu today?
Around these parts we kept with an Italian theme. I’m not sure how “spring” or “Easter-y” that sounds, but I wanted to make something that my mom would enjoy, so of course, Baked Ziti popped into my head. It’s definitely one of our go-to party recipes, and is always a crowd pleaser. There’s nothing spectacular to our ziti recipe. I certainly don’t slave over a hot stove preparing sauce made from scratch, nor do I make my own pasta. Really it’s a matter of browning some ground meat or Italian sausage, boiling the pasta, bringing some jarred sauce to a simmer, and combining the meat, sauce and pasta into a large pan, topping it with a combination of shredded mozzarella cheese and Italian flavored breadcrumbs, then baking until all nice and bubbly. I must say I did, however, add ribbons of fresh basil from a little basil plant I picked up at the blueberry farm last weekend. The thing about cooking at home is even though things might not always be from scratch, you can totally fake it and add flavor to pre-made ingredients using fresh herbs and seasonings. With pasta sauce?- Freshly chopping basil is definitely a wow factor.

Simple fixes; always delicious.

As for dessert? Nothing screams spring/summer like lemons. I adore all things lemon, and have been wanting to make a cake like this for a while. The olive oil gives cakes a richer, denser texture, but not in a heavy way. There just seems to be more body and a buttery, fresh flavor that is worth going back for senconds for.

Lemon Olive Oil Cake (inspired from an Epicurious recipe) Ingredients2 lemons
1 cup cake flour
5 eggs, separated
3/4 EVOO
1/2 tsp. sea salt
3/4 cup sugar

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 F. Zest both lemons and add to a mixing bowl. Add the flour and whisk together. Set the bowl aside. Juice both lemons (hint: stick your lemons into the microwave for 5-10 seconds which will get the juices flowing and make it easier to juice!) Set the juice aside.
In another bowl, beat the egg yolks with 1/2 cup of sugar on high speed for 3-4 minutes.
Reduce the speed to medium, add the olive oil and lemon juice and beat until smooth (but don’t over beat, so keep your eye on it!).
In a separate bowl beat  (with a hand mixer!) the 4 egg whites and salt until foamy.
While beating gradually add 1/4 cup of sugar. Continue beating until soft peaks are just starting to form (about 3 minutes). Use a large rubber spatula to gently fold the egg white mixture into the yolk and sugar mixture, careful not to over mix. Scoop by scoop at the flour mixture and combine well. Pour the batter into a greased 9in square cake pan. Bake for 35-45 minutes, or until fork test proves done. Cool completely before icing.

Frosting
1 8-oz package cream cheese, room temperature
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
zest of 1 lemon
1 tbsp. lemon juice
2-3 drops of yellow food coloring (optional)

Using a mixer, cream the sugar and cream cheese together. Add zest and juice. Mix well. Chill for 10-15 minutes (be careful not to chill for any longer. You want the frosting to firm up a smidge, but not to the point where it won’t spread.)

Unfortunately, because we were in such a rush to get over (and eat) to my parent’s house, I only snapped two pictures: One of the cooking process, and one of the final product.  

Enjoy!

My blogger friend Sara from Words to Run By posted this in one of her blog posts tonight:
The 21st of April will mark the one year anniversary of my mother’s unexpected passing. Has it really been that long? Yes? No? Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, the pain is so fresh, so raw; and yet, other days, I can’t remember something small about her and I feel like it has been decades.

I know exactly how she feels, and she put it into words perfectly.
Lately, my mother is the only thing on my mind. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but deep in my soul, I know it’s going to be soon.

When you lose someone, and I don’t know why or how this happens, but memories get more and more difficult to recall soon after they pass. It could be a subconscious thing. You don’t want to think about the good times because it hurts too much, so you compress all memories- the good AND the bad- until you’re ready to bring them into your mind again. By then, time has passed, and unfortunately the memories aren’t as vivid and easy to remember, and so yes, a few weeks might feel like a decades.

Although she’s still here with us in person, her mind and body are so far gone that we can’t have those “live like you were dying” moments you see in movies, taking her places and doing all the things she wanted to accomplish and see before her time was up. The best we can do is keep her well fed with her favorite foods, watch TV with her, and make her comfortable and happy. People tell me that I’m lucky to still have her here, but I continue to have mixed emotions about that. Sitting and waiting for the inevitable is torture. It’s a nightmare that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It’s a luxury to be able to “say goodbye”, but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I’d have to confront something like this so early in my life. It hurts even more to know that my brother, who is 9 years younger, has had even less time with her.

Every night I before I go to bed I lay there and stare. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I plan. Sometimes my thoughts are so tangled in my head it consumes me like a rip tide. Sometimes my restlessness wakes up the guy and we have pillow talk moments that temporarily make it all better. There are lots of things in my life right now that are good, and make life temporarily better, but  my mother’s terminal illness is something I cannot escape no matter how good my softball game was, how delicious that new recipe I tried came out, or how great a lesson at school went.

Since my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in March of 2011, I have intrinsically dedicated every training, every run, every race to her. No matter what kind of pain, exhaustion, or frustrations I’m feeling while on the pavement or in the water, I think about the pain and suffering she’s gone through, and how I know she’d give anything to be able to even walk one lap at Al Lopez park. I will forever think this way, until I run my very last race, and take my very last breath.

I don’t want to forget my mother. I don’t want to forget the little things that make her who she is. I want to remember it all so that I can tell my children all about the grandmother they never got to meet. I don’t know how I want to organize all these memories that are floating in my head, but I do know that I need to start- before these memories become temporarily painful. For now, I’m going to just make a list as they pop in my head and save them here on this blog. That way they’re electronically available to me anytime I want to read them, update them, share them or ignore them. It won’t be a paper that I might risk losing, and it will give others an opportunity to comment and add their own memories to my list. I swear I feel like a hoarder right now. I want to hoard time. I want to hoard pictures. I want to hoard anything my mother has ever given me. I want to hoard pieces of paper with her handwriting on them, and last text messages and voice mails she left on my phone. I want to hoard clothes and perfumes and anything else smell like my mother. And most of all, I want to hoard memories.

-Camping and making Mickey waffles in the morning (with the special Golden mix from Disney).
-Signing Last Dance at the fair, and totally embarrassing us.
-All night holiday baking (fudgy oatmeal bars, her fav!) with Mary Kelly
-Disney Halloween camping at Fort Wilderness and golf cart shenanigans
-Tillis Hills fire dancing
-Pool birthday parties in the backyard
-Jlo perfume
-Driving the Jeep Wrangler through way too deep mud
-Hugely pregnant with little brother Jason
-Her obsession with QVC, Little House on the Prairie and trash tv (Maury!)
-Jet skiing at Honeymoon Island
-Turtle beach campground
-The little beach houses at Indian Rocks beach
-She loves Dairy Queen dipped cones
-My over sized 6ft Christmas stocking that she insists on filling up every Christmas morning
-Running with me on the Causeway during the last 1/2 mile of my first triathlon
-The 3 story beach house on Indian Shores
-Cracker barrel breakfast
-Trips to Tennessee renting chalets in Gatlinburg
-Camping and cabin trips to Blairsville, freezing our butts of at Trackrock
-Spending hours picking just the right Christmas tree every year
-Chopping down Christmas trees in Blairsville and Gainesville
-She loved to wear black
-She always made boxed yellow cakes with chocolate frosting for everyone’s birthday
-She is the life of the party, and an awesome party planner
-Cookbooks that have her signature inside them
-Disney trick or treating
-Easter egg hunts at Abuelo and Abuelamoms or Horizon Park
-Key West adventures and her favorite beach, Bahia Honda
-Working with her for a year at Egypt Lake
-Dinners, shots and sangria at CDB’s Southside
-Crabbing and fishing in the boat and offshore at Jupiter FL (catching the man eating bluefish!)
-Camping trips and Geocaching with Joe, Chris and the kids
-Scrabble and Uno for hours at the campground
-Noche Buena and opening a mess of gifts at Abuelo and Abuelamom’s house
-Trip to Savannah and eating at Lady and Sons (hoping to see Paula!)
-Our trip to Memphis where mom almost had to shoot someone coming up to the car.
-Our trip to Texas and the 5 minute Alamo stop.
-Putting up the inflatable turkey at Tillis and the inflatable Buc at the back of the truck during superbowl!
-She always wants a brand new ketchup bottle.